[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
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me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?