@ddsmidt: Me: If you're going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn't act so surprised when someone speaks their mind. HR: Get out

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.

@KentWGraham: I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

@warmyellowlight: me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test* cashier: would u like a bag

@KrangTNelson: AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen