@Donnie_Fairburn: [bursts into garage] "why is your car still on? you've been in here for 3 days" i'm trying to kill myself "but you drive an electric car"

@Parentpains: Name your child autocorrect, because eventually they'll just finish your sentences and correct you every chance they get too.

@Burtslorp: WHAT DO WE WANT? Migraine relief. WHEN DO WE WANT IT? Yell again & they'll never find your body.

@TheBoydP: Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

@ceejoyner: Can't you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.