@DancesWithTamis: I'm so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
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@secondofhername: If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
@DanSpenser: Names that sound like Tarzan describing people: William Hurt Emily Blunt Edgar Wright John Goodman Shelley Long Timothy Treadwell Emma Stone Jack Black
@jwoodham: BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. "Hitler's haircut is literally the worst," she writes. "Also he's mean."
@fightforfood: Let's talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You're a real piece of shit, Tammy.