@DancesWithTamis: I'm so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
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@Donnie_Fairburn: [bursts into garage] "why is your car still on? you've been in here for 3 days" i'm trying to kill myself "but you drive an electric car"
@Parentpains: Name your child autocorrect, because eventually they'll just finish your sentences and correct you every chance they get too.
@Burtslorp: WHAT DO WE WANT? Migraine relief. WHEN DO WE WANT IT? Yell again & they'll never find your body.
@TheBoydP: Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…