i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
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If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.