SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Horrifying if literal: a handbag