@thepunningman: [hospital] "I'm afraid it's bad news. Your husband will never walk again" "Oh God, he's paralysed?" "No, someone's bought him rollerblades"

@xysist: * Gets out of a 10 year old coma * Me: Where am I? Dad: GO ASK YOUR MOTHER!

@illuminatedwndr: hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it 'No Filter', go with a filter next time. serious

@everygirI: boys need to work on keeping their Instagram up to date with good pics. I can't show my mom some pic of a fish you caught 120 weeks ago

@don_haworth: I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes