@HispanicIcon: I'm so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I'm going with them.
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@elle91: [At a bar] Guy: Did it hurt? Me: What? G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
@ElKnuckelhombre: My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".
@Sultani_Sails: Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.