I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
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one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
nobody’s gonna understand
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
#DesignFail
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
meow
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t