I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
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I cannot stop laughing at this
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
2022 will be better than 2021
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.