I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
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All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?