I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
This will teach them to underestimate me
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Eat…
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]