I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
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Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.