@blakeshelton: I'm so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted "Why y'all checkin' me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!"
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@J_Recommends: My sister read '50 Shades of Grey' and relayed some of its explicit content. I pretended to think those things are shocking, too.
@markleggett: If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.
@DurtMcHurtt: The guy I cheat off moved seats before today's spelling test, like he's teaching me some kind of lessen.
@polksalad: Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.