If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
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A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I don’t think my car can fly
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.