It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
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I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
“I FIXED IT!”
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’