(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
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Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it