He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
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It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣