“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
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Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Good morning
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”