I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
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Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!