I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
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Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
*gets down on one knee*
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
i wish i could marry a nap
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad