I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
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Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
british sex workers really pound for pound
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Every damn time
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.