I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
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scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*