I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
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[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
🙁
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
best first i’ve ever seen
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
my mom making me talk to relatives
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”