CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
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I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.