@MikeDrucker: I'm so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.
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@TheMichaelRock: I forgot my work ethic at home today, but I did remember to bring my shenanigans and debauchery.
@FriedWords: Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
@mjkspeaks: [at ER] ME: my stomach hurts. DOC: have you been able to eat anything today? ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
@NatBaimel: 17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq