@charliedelta7: I'm so hungry, I could eat this food without even instagraming it first. No, but seriously, I'm going to instagram it first. Don't be crazy
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@TheTweetOfGod: Nancy Grace just called pot smokers "fat and lazy". Right. Unlike the buff marathon runners home 4 o'clock on a Monday watching your show.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I'll murder him.
@TheHyyyype: [after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs] ME: there's gotta be a better way! WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass