I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
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Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?