I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
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Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.