I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
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An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.