@PanicRestroom: I'm so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
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@usermcuserface: I don't think I'd be as calm as Billy Joel was in that song if an old man was sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin.
@GrillinChillin9: Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Mexican food before wine, no 69.
@AnkCoupleTO: [she comes home with a doggy bag] Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
@AndyAsAdjective: an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet