I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
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Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
If you know, you know 😂🚔
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.