I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
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I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
this is literally a CIA plant
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.