I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
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Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
me as a parent
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Canadian owl: Eh?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*