I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
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OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?