On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
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[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.