“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
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Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.