I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
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I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Happy weekend !
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.