I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
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*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]