I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
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Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms