@Jerrypleasure: [first day as an archaeologist] ME: *digging* COWORKER: *yelling* stop digging in our office, karen !! You're gonna get us all fired

@mrsmith196645: 911: What is your emergency. M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she's smiling. Please hurry.

@iwearaonesie: *opens paper towels* dog me: It's not food *opens mail* dog me: It's not food *opens package of scissors* dog me: It's not f

@badAzz_mom: Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

@1par8head: Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing...we are about to make fun of people on FB...