@_Justin_Stepien: I'm so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
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@Jerrypleasure: [first day as an archaeologist] ME: *digging* COWORKER: *yelling* stop digging in our office, karen !! You're gonna get us all fired
@mrsmith196645: 911: What is your emergency. M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she's smiling. Please hurry.
@iwearaonesie: *opens paper towels* dog me: It's not food *opens mail* dog me: It's not food *opens package of scissors* dog me: It's not f
@badAzz_mom: Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.