@QwertyJones3: My current wife doesn't like when I call her that
@HiddleDeeDee: A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control--I saved one for my kids. To split.
@liv_thatsme: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: Just some baby seal clubbing.
“YOU’RE A MONSTER!”
Me: (later that night, having a warm cocoa with some conservationists at the Baby Seal Club) I don’t know why everyone at work hates me.
@TheAlexNevil: This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
@_odlanyeR: Whoever named the ewe really didn't like female sheep
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