I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
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Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles