I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
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Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.