@wickedimproper: I'm so old I thought "stfu" was a reminder to pack my "shoes, tie, fedora, underpants."
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@Cheese_Pile: *Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf* "Here let me get that" I say [Beacuse I'm much taller] *I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
@turtledumplin: Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn't you know you were taking the picture?
@TheMichaelRock: A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
@ElgatoEsmio: Mom said angels are watching over me I'm just afraid they're taking notes to make sure I go to hell.