I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
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Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Watson was Holmes schooled
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.