I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
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It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.