Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
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[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Air conditioning – not a fan