I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
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People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.