I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
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There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
do what now??
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.