I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
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The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
What’s so funny?
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired