Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
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Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
When libraries troll their patrons.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
pizza
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.