I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
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Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?