@iamjeffsloan: I'm so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
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@JWilsonGA: Wife: I'm making breakfast for dinner tonight. What do you want? Me: Bacon. Wife: And? Me: *blank stare* Wife: AND? Me: A napkin?
@stockejock: My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
@soandrewyang: *at funeral* ME: I know how you feel FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel-- ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack