I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
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[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
my dog when i have a friend over
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Phones down.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.