@iamjeffsloan: I'm so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
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@NikiWithIssues: Dad: Let's talk, we never talk. Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something... Dad: You can tell me anything. Me: I'm Batman. Dad: Get out.
@fro_vo: [dollar store] ME: how much are your dollars CLERK: a dollar ME: okay I’ll take one dollar CLERK: that’ll be one dollar ME: thanks CLERK: have a nice day
@KevinFarzad: If you like someone and don't know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you're cute.
@KizerBillhelm: My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I'm blinded by whiteness.