I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
You Might Also Like
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans