I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
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Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go