I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
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“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.