[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
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I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.